I’m currently at a crossroads. And I feel like the only way to get wherever it is that I need to get is to write about it; to share my story, or at least the parts that I’m most comfortable sharing with others. So yesterday, and the day before, I began to write, to process, in my journal about this latest curve ball.
Was it Newton’s Third Law or the Theory of Relativity that talked about that equal and opposite reaction shit? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction? Something like that. I think that’s Newton’s shit. I think the Relativity one might be Einstein’s or one of those other geniuses. Even that theory still applies to what I’m feeling: isn’t that the one that questions truth, at least if you allow his theory to branch out into philosophy and not just science? I don’t know. I think relativity is something about how someone’s “truth” is really not “truth” at all because there is no such thing as “truth.” Or there’s that shit that goes something like this: there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth. Whatever…I’m digressing…
All I know is that love does not come without a cost. That’s what’s reminding me of good old Newton– equal and opposite reaction shit. Or something like that. Love does not come without a cost and that cost is pain. So before you invest too deeply, remember that what you invest does not always come back to you in the same way that you’d figured. That sometimes, the reaction is one that hurts. It will still be “equal”, but it might not be what you were hoping for.
Even if all other signs seem to point in the right direction, even if everyone offers their positivity and continues to cheer for you and says that everything is going to be alright, and even if you believe that, still, sometimes the shit hits the fan and you feel a deep, burning, agonizing pain. The kind of pain that makes you wonder if love was even worth it in the first place. Right now, I don’t know the answer to that. All I know is the rawness of this pain– the kind that swells your eyes, stains your cheeks with tears, chaps your lips because you’ve cried so much that you’ve managed to dehydrate yourself.
The kind that puts you in bed, just begging to fall asleep for the whole day, an attempt to lessen the burden of pain, or maybe even avoid it.
The kind that you know you could probably get past if you would just get up and do something productive; but you can’t because you feel paralyzed by your pain. It hurts that bad. The kind that tells you that maybe a hot bath would help to relax you.
But the pain, it wins. You stay in bed. And you just cry.
Pain. The kind that makes me scribble in my journal, hoping that in my rambling, I’ll find the light, the answer, the thing that will save me from this pain.
The kind that rationalizes and then gets irrational.
The kind that you wish would just go away. Today.
I seek no platitudes for my pain, just a simple nod of the head, an acknowledgement that pain exists today. And that that pain came from a choice to live again, to love again.
And while I wish that this pain would just go away, I know that it must not. And it cannot.
Because that is the cost of love. The cost of love is pain.
And I have loved. And I love.
And I do not regret having love in my heart.
So it should stand to reason in all my irrationalities that I’m creating in my head that I do not regret having this pain either.
I just know that it exists.
And that it hurts.
And that “I’m still here.”
And the Lesson For Today Is:
So that was yesterday.
I still have that pain. And my writing about it and admitting it here is my way of trying to find the light and trying to move forward. I am not trying to mask it or run from it or avoid it; I still feel it. And I do not regret having this pain or feel sorry for myself for having it either.
Because what I have experienced as a result of choosing to love has been something that I’d never dreamt possible.
It has been an amazing journey; I am hopeful that this journey continues, even if it needs to be in a different capacity.
In my journal only yesterday, I’d asked myself and didn’t know the answer to the question: is love worth it if it’s going to potentially bring you this kind of pain?
I know the answer today.
Absolutely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, 100%– yes.
Love is worth it.
I still hurt.
But also, “I’m still here.”