Why is it that when I’m trying to get somewhere via car, I’m always stuck behind some person that clearly does not know how to drive? The speed limit could be 35 and this person will be traveling at the speed of a snail, making 35 mph seem as though it would be warp speed! And naturally, there is never a passing lane when stuck behind such said person. There is no way out. I’m forced to stay behind, cursing and yelling (to myself, apparently, because I’m pretty sure the alleged guilty party cannot hear me) along the way as we travel at this “dumb ass mother fucker who doesn’t know how to drive would you please get the fuck out of the way you stupid fuck?!?”
And I will sometimes tailgate.
So I have aggressive driving issues.
But at least I can admit it. And that is the first step toward healing, right?!?!
But beyond that tendency to be aggressive, I can’t help but also wonder…
Why am I in such a hurry?
What’s the rush?
Why am I in such a hurry to get from point A to point B?
I guess when you lose someone, you gain an appreciation for living life to the fullest and you learn to appreciate living “in the now”, in the moment. And you realize that there is no time to waste. That the time for action is, in fact, “NOW.” Being behind a slow driver “prevents” me from doing the thing that I want to do NOW.
So this is a double-edged sword. Because living in the “now” is also a breeding ground for having a lack of patience. And I already lacked that before Jeff died. Now, it’s even worse.
|Dana Linn Bailey|
I see evidence of this in my list-making that I talked about last week. http://neverbuffenough.blogspot.com/2014/06/help-wanted.html When I fail to accomplish all of those listed items, I feel as though I failed myself as well as the day; that I didn’t use my time as wisely as I could have. I feel badly that I might have to put off some items until the next day. I stress out that I didn’t get it all done. I see evidence of that sense of hurriedness and lack of patience in my endeavors in bodybuilding. I want to look like Dana Linn Bailey today. Forget the fact that first of all, she’s inches shorter than I am; that she’s worked on her body for years compared to only the three years that I’ve been involved in this sport; that she is a professional bodybuilder. Somewhere along the line, I lose sight of all of that and just get caught up in not being satisfied with the journey.
And I hate that word– “journey.” You hear it everywhere. This is your journey. Appreciate the journey. The journey is yours to travel. Look, Journey was an 80s pop band, one that’s gained recent recognition through shows like Laguna Beach and Glee. And I liked Journey. Even have a bunch of their songs on my iPod.
So maybe it’s not so much a “journey” as it is just living one’s life and enjoying the successes and setbacks that lead to eventual growth and opportunity. It’s quite the juxtaposition, to have learned from grief to “live in the moment,” but then to be in constant search of “the answer” or the satisfaction of scratching items off a list or “the final product.”
But here’s the thing…
There is no “answer.”
What does scratching items off a list really do for oneself anyway? It’s just some scribbling on a note card of things that I’ve deemed to be so exceptionally relevant and important.
And moreover, the “final product” only exists when you die. What lies in graveyards across the country and the world are a bunch of “final products.”
And I’m not done yet. There is no final answer. The list will never be fully accomplished. And I am certainly no final product. And I reckon that neither are you.
Life is a process, a series of trial and error, drafts and revisions…
So what’s your hurry?
Who cares if everything on the list of things to do is not accomplished? Tomorrow is another day. And if it’s not, still– who cares? Is everything on that list really time-sensitive? Or is it just a ridiculous constraint that you place upon yourself?
Pay attention to the trials, the errors. Don’t shut them down. Don’t ignore them or brush them under the rug. Face them– head on! And as crazy as it might sound, embrace the setbacks as much as you embrace the successes. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. And also with that slow-ass driver in front of you.
You’ll get to where you need to be. You will get done what needs to get done. You are not a failure. You– and your life– are a work- in- progress.
A beautiful, unique, and wonderful work- in-progress.