I’ve been seeing someone.
A psychiatrist. Or a psychologist. Or therapist. Or something like that. I don’t know what she is, actually. I’ve been seeing someone who’s trying to help me figure out my shit, okay?!? I’ve got some demons that I’m not so proud of, and I’m trying to expose them and learn from them and move forward from them.
For a long time, I have not recognized these demons that have laid dormant inside of me because in my “past life,” I was too busy being caught up in someone else’s life. I never really paid much attention to myself because I didn’t even matter to myself. It was this someone else’s needs that I allowed to matter above my own, all day, every day. Since that person has been out of my life, I’ve been smacked in the face with some of my own personal crap. It’s not very comfortable, sometimes, finding out that these things exist inside of me. But I’m learning to manage them. I’m learning to identify fears and patterns and recognize that I’m playing old patterns and I’m allowing–sometimes– fear to get in the way of my success– both personally and professionally.
Currently, I’m working on this nagging fear of not being “good enough.” I’m not a good enough teacher, friend, “plus one”, sister, daughter, cousin, whatever…I’m just not “good enough.” And so I’ve been reflecting on my life, trying to figure out where this feeling (or false belief) comes from, and trying to have some compassion for myself, and forgiving myself for having these feelings, and even giving myself a bit of a hug and learning that “I’m okay” in spite of– and maybe because of– my past interaction with life in general.
This three part series is about some of those discoveries– my earliest memories of not feeling good enough. The series will end with how I’ve learned to deal with those demons, what actually might have been happening in these moments that I describe, and what I now tell myself when these demons pop up in my current life. Continue reading “Part One of Three: Mr. Meckis and His Amazing Technicolor Art Projects”